Goodbye Sweetheart

03 Dec 2009 • Family

It’s just about a fortnight now since we first heard that there might be a problem with our unborn baby girl. It’s almost certainly the hardest two weeks I’ve lived through, and hopefully the hardest I ever will. I’m quite sure there’s no emotion ever been felt that we haven’t felt in the last 14 days except, possibly, joy. There’s probably others to be honest but my mind’s a bit fuddled right now.

For those who don’t know we took the decision to let go of our baby girl, our Doughnut. She’s at peace now and she will not suffer. At all. Ever.

Before I go further it’s impossible to pretend that allowing a pregnancy to end early is anything other than a contentious issue. We’ve found no-one yet who’s criticised us, or argued against us. At least not openly. For sure those people exist, and it’s likely we will see them some time – we are prepared for this. However, I’m not going to spend time now defending our choice. This is not the time, and this is likely not the place.

All I will say is this – the last few days have taken everything I thought I knew, opinions I thought I had, beliefs I thought I held and challenged them all. I have learnt that no-matter how strongly one feels it’s impossible to say what one would do in a given situation until you are actually there.

The hospital, operated by the NHS, have been superb. It amazes me that we live in a time and a place where we can get such fantastic information, counselling and support for zero cost at the point of need. At every step along the way we have met compassionate, caring, talented people with only one thing on their mind – our care. A simple thank you is not enough.

So…

On Sunday morning Katie and I entered the hospital to take the first painful steps towards saying goodbye to our baby. At 14:59 that afternoon – Sunday 29th November 2009 – Katie gave birth to our second little girl, and she was beautiful. She will forever be known simply as “Doughnut”.

The overriding memory we have of the remainder of the day is peace. We were remarkably, surprisingly peaceful, and Doughnut was also at peace. Despite our sadness, we held our baby girl and felt a calm that I’m not sure I’ve experienced before.

Monday was another tough day as it was time to go home. Without our baby. Saying goodbye to loved one’s is always tough. Saying goodbye to your child is heart-breaking. I’m not ashamed to say it took all the strength that we could muster to leave hospital. A little piece of each of us was left behind and we’ll never get that back.

I’m sure the days ahead will be a mix of good days and bad. Someone will say something, or we’ll see something that causes us to stop and remember. These moments are hard, but together we’ll find a way through. Eventually the pain will ease but things will never be quite the same again.